I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
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genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]