I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
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CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
馃幎I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus馃幎
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 馃槱
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I鈥檓 trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I鈥檝e tried works
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.