I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Awesome parenting 😂
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk