I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
You Might Also Like
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
This bar smells like my childhood.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
what are they serving at kfc then???
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.