I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
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GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes