I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.