@JermHimselfish You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
@JimmerThatisAll I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
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@JermHimselfish 
@patnspankme Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
@envydatropic WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
@jonnycarr1974 Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
@KimmyMonte *comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
@QwertyJones3 Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
@seamussaid Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
@dorsalstream HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
@mitdasein Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.