I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first