@JimmerThatisAll

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

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@PinkCamoTO

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

@_Mo_lee_

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

@dksc4life

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

@SoulYodeler

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

@tombrodude

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

@3sunzzz

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

@shamanhealer

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

@CatherineLMK

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.