Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
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Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
•A Two Headed Turtle
But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.