@JimmerThatisAll

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

You Might Also Like

@JermHimselfish

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

@envydatropic

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

@jonnycarr1974

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

@KimmyMonte

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

@seamussaid

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

@

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

@dorsalstream

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

@mitdasein

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.