Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

jesus, what did this guy do

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

Dance like you’re not the father

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.