I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
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My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Maths meets science
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?