I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
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An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet