I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Am I having a stroke?
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.