I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
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[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.