I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
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I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Things that don’t exist:
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
me hitting on a model
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.
But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*
Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Him: What are you doing?
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.