Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

me hitting on a model

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.