I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.