i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
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Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”