I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
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Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
You are not alone 💚
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband