I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
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“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!