I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
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Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
This might be me.
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