I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
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Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭