i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
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If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind