I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Owl Sanctuary
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do