I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
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Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My guardian angel deserves a raise
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET