I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it