Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake