I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
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Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
7: Mommy look!
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
7: And staring is rude
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
“Password is incorrect”
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake