I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
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DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
(Gaming support cat.)
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
this country is so goddamn polarized
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.