Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.

Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it