I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
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[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”