“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
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Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with