@BradBroaddus
@WritePlay Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
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@WritePlay 
@Try2StopME Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
@AnniemuMary I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
@xLiserx Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
@brianbowman73 HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
@BuckyIsotope SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
@JennyJohnsonHi5 This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
@omically Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
@badbanana Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
@PaperWash *holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*