I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

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Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.


Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.


I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.


Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.


SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me


This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.


Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.


Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.


*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*