@BradBroaddus

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

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@WritePlay

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

@Try2StopME

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

@AnniemuMary

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

@xLiserx

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

@BuckyIsotope

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

@JennyJohnsonHi5

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

@omically

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

@badbanana

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

@PaperWash

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*