I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
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“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.