I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
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I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Good news
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
who wants to go expliring
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.