I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
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I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
#SaturdayBears
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.