I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
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Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down