I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
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Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Breaking news:
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
A game married people play.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
jesus, what did this guy do
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.