I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
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If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.