I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
You Might Also Like
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears