I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
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Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.