I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
You Might Also Like
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.