@ShitJokes
@AnkCoupleTO Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
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@AnkCoupleTO 
@iamrandomape SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
@LaceyNycole Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
@junejuly12 Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
@BuckyIsotope If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
@naazihah The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
@Book_Krazy Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
@SabotagedSmoke Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
@twink_mufc There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
@AimeeHelene1 (telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*