Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Me: I don’t really.
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!
*all the adults start screaming*