I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Guys, I found it.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house