I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
When your parents check you’re ok.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.