I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
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[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?