I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
You Might Also Like
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
“our sushi is very fresh”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky