I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
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These aren’t even hard anymore.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9