I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
crying
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Ghost costume 😂
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)