I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
You Might Also Like
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would