I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
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Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”
“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?