I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
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I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night