Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.