Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

Mornin

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”