I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
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A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Sheep
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.