I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
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Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Snapes on a plane.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark