I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.