I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
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TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Skills
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record