I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Cat.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE