I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

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When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?


Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…


not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.


Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.


My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.


I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?


Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.


I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.